im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
