Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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