I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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