Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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