I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
