no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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