put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
