If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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