I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
