Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
