My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
