U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
