and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
