I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
