ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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