that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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