I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
