just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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