If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
