True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
soo... how was my night?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
