I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
