My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
