Welp...herpes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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