my mouth tastes like poor choices
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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