So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
