her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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