I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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