I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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