This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
