I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
