when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is it penis luge time yet?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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