Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
