Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
they're like a gay fantastic four
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
