so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
