the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
