I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
