I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
