i can juggle bunnies
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
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I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty