i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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