His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He has the fingertips of a God
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