I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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