There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
