i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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