I think I am morally bankrupt
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
