i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
