you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
