The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
