home. puking in laundry basket.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
