I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
