you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
