She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
