saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
