You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
