well I can't set my house on fire every night
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
