We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm sobbing to NWA
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
